Practically Fertile
If you wanted to get pregnant yesterday, but you're confused and overwhelmed by all the noise on the internet, then this is the right podcast for you. Hosted by Dr. Adrienne Wei, Doctor of Acupuncture and Chinese Medicine, Fellow of the American Board of Oriental Reproductive Medicine (ABORM), functional medicine practitioner, and functional nutritionist. Here, you'll find zero fluffy, useless information or rah-rah motivation. You'll only find practical strategies and "how-tos" for identifying the root cause and amplifying your fertility by using a proven method of combining science with tradition.
Practically Fertile
Episode 10 - My Proven Framework to Get Over the Disappointment of a BFN
There's nothing more demoralizing than getting a B.F.N at the end of the month when you've tried so hard. No one can blame you for feeling down, depressed, and sad. While it's very normal and healthy to feel this way because we're humans, it can also damage your overall emotional well-being and you'll start to lose hope.
In this episode, I will share with you my five-step framework that can help to transport you out of a negative headspace so that you can feel more hopeful and motivated again.
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Website: www.adriennewei.com
Welcome to the Practically Fertile Podcast. I'm Adrienne Wee, doctor of acupuncture and Chinese medicine, functional medicine practitioner and functional nutritionist. I specialize in using an evidence-based method, blending principles of East Asian medicine and modern functional medicine, to help women optimize fertility and get pregnant. I believe in a world where every woman who wants to be a mother becomes one. If you're tired of being told that you're infertile and you want to take the right steps to get pregnant naturally and quickly, this podcast is for you. So you've been doing everything 100% eating the right foods, sleeping, working out just the right amount and you're still getting that big fat negative every month. For some people they have a way of shaking it off be sad for a little while and then they move on. But maybe initially you were like that too, but then every month it's the same thing A negative pregnancy test and you start to feel discouraged, defeated and you're losing hope. Then the disappointment turns into depression and sadness and anger and fear. It seems like the one thing that nature intended for you to do should be really easy to come by, and it's not, friend. This is not the time to Google. What more can I do to get pregnant? This is the time to work on something that's often neglected and that's mindset. And why is mindset so important? Well, it drives your story, your decision-making and ultimately, it shapes the path that you take.
Speaker 1:If you're in a depressed or anxious state, then you're not able to make good decisions. Being in this state of mind makes you really negative and resentful and miserable. You make excuses and you lose hope. On the other hand, when you're happy, you're going to be in a better position to make better decisions, to want to take action, to get results, and you're going to look at life from an entirely different perspective. Just think about it the times when you were really happy, you were looking at the world through rose color lenses. To be clear, I'm definitely not saying that you have to be happy all the time, and I'm not saying that, if you're sad, that you should just pretend that everything is fine and put on a smiley face. That's what I call toxic positivity. But if we don't have a way of getting ourselves out of the negative state of mind, then we're going to spiral further into this deep, dark abyss.
Speaker 1:Depression affects the HPA axis, the hypothalamus pituitary adrenal axis. It keeps the cortisol levels high, and we talked about cortisol a lot. That triggers a chain reaction for events like hormone disruption, menstrual cycle disruption, inflammation. Women with untreated depression have lower pregnancy rates, according to some studies. While getting on an antidepressant might be necessary and sometimes to get through a very difficult time in your life I'm definitely not opposed to it you also need to find other ways to cope.
Speaker 1:I've been through a lot of big fat negatives with my patients and the thousands of women I've come across on my podcast and online programs and social media. What I don't want to see is you losing hope and stop fighting for what you want. The sadness, anxiety, fear and anguish trigger thoughts like what's wrong with me? Am I ever going to get pregnant? Why is it so easy for others? And the worst thought of it all why do I even bother? And right there, when you start thinking, that is when you stop trying and you stop fighting for what you want, and that's what I'm afraid of. So if getting something that you've always dreamed of, but you're having a hard time dealing with the big fat negatives every month, then I want to give you the tools to transport yourself out of the sad, depressed, fearful state of mind, shake it off, feel empowered and keep fighting, because it always seems impossible till it's done. You're going to look back at this when you're holding your baby in your arms and think I'm so glad I never gave up.
Speaker 1:So I have this framework. I'm going to share it with you. It's very effective for those who use it. It'll come naturally to you after using it a few times. You can use this in everyday life. It's not meant to replace therapy. It's really a tool for you to use on a daily basis whenever you're experiencing disappointment.
Speaker 1:So let's go through the steps. First step is to embrace the disappointment and all of the emotions that come up. Just fully embrace it. Start by acknowledging all the emotions that come up. Don't hold back. Embrace it. Start by acknowledging all the emotions that come up. Don't hold back.
Speaker 1:A lot of times when we feel certain emotions, we have this other voice inside our heads going you shouldn't feel this way. Oh, you're being so negative. Why can't you just be happy? So if it feels like an internal power struggle, it really is. We have two parts of the brain One is the logical and one's the emotional and this is a built-in survival mechanism to prevent us from hurting ourselves Anyway. So when you have this internal struggle, it's a miserable feeling because you have these emotions and you want to fully express them, because you should be able to, but then you're bogged down by this other part telling you that you should just be happy. So we can't just turn our emotions off like a switch. The people who can do that are simply sweeping it under a rug and sooner or later it explodes. And what makes us human is we have emotions. So we can't deny ourselves the basic function as a human. But on the other hand, if we don't have a way of getting ourselves out of the emotion, that's when it really becomes a problem. That train of thought just keeps going and going and going and pretty soon you're spiraling into a more and more depressive and negative state. So at some point we had to put a stop to it and then switch our mind to a more positive state.
Speaker 1:What I want you to do is allow yourself a set time to dwell on it, to be sad, to cry, to vent, to think life sucks. This is not fair. What's wrong with me? It can be 30 minutes, it can be an hour, it could be the whole day, but I don't recommend longer than a day. I think an hour is probably best, but take the day if you need to, but know that there's an end to this and that tomorrow is another day and you are going to be one step closer to your goal. So, after you let yourself have some time to embrace your emotions, the next thing I want you to think about is all the progress you've made.
Speaker 1:If you journal, write them down. If you just want to think about them in your head, then do that. I think journaling helps, just because you can go back and see how much progress you've made. Why is this step important? Most people ignore the importance of it. If you don't congratulate yourself on the small wins, you're going to think that nothing is working, when in reality, something is working and you need to acknowledge the slightest things. Maybe it's making through the whole week without a salad, maybe your period was less painful, you didn't have to take any medication, or it could be you and your husband had a major emotional breakthrough. Whatever it is, you have to have to have to celebrate the little wins. I do this a lot with my patients. They're disappointed and after allowing them to feel the sadness, I would get out my notes and go over everything that has improved. You had more cervical mucus this month. You didn't get up to use the bathroom at night, you didn't have bloating. And then this person all of a sudden says you're right, I didn't think about all that. So take the time to think about all the progress you've made. If you're in my program, that's why we use the Fertile Cycle Checklist, the unique fertility profile assessment, regularly. It's getting feedback about your progress.
Speaker 1:Okay, next step three You're going to stop the comparison-itis. Comparing yourself to others will offer no value whatsoever to your journey. This is a huge trap. Comparing yourself to others bring on this comparison hangover. You feel tired, you feel down, you feel unmotivated Because what's the point? Nothing you're doing is working. So this is probably really hard to do, because we naturally want what we don't currently have and it's painful when things work out for others but not for ourselves.
Speaker 1:You don't know this about me, but I went through a three-month Facebook detox last year. I was in the middle of working on my program and it wasn't going well. I was overworked, stressed and I felt at times it was the biggest mistake I've made. I follow all these people who are, or are appearing to be, rocking it. They're super successful. They have everything I wanted or at least on the surface they did. But at that time I felt horrible about myself. I felt like I was the biggest loser, that I didn't have it all figured out. So I swore off Facebook and Instagram for three months and it changed my life. The difference is that I was hyper-focused on myself for three months and I worked hard on personal development so that I can be strong enough to handle those situations when I feel the comparison blues. So, long story short, I do feel like I'm much better at handling social media.
Speaker 1:I don't compare myself to others as much, or if I do, I get over it very quickly because I have my blinders on and I know that I'm going to eventually get to where I want to be and compared to where I was a year ago, I only care about whether or not I'm improving steadily, and I want you to put the blinders on too and walk your own path. We never know, underneath the facade, what their lives are really like behind the curtains. Okay, so, after you stop comparing yourself to the friend or neighbor who's pregnant, the next step is to focus on what you can control. It's easy to get caught up in this coulda, shoulda, woulda thing, but when you keep focusing on things that are not in your control, you're going to drive yourself bananas and you're going to bring on a lot of unnecessary anxiety. So this month didn't work.
Speaker 1:Okay, what could you have controlled and what wasn't in your control? And some of you are not tracking your cycle as closely as how I'm describing it, but some of you are. You want to figure out where you went wrong, because everything seems perfectly so. Why didn't it work? If this is you, it helps to group things into two piles. One is controllable things diet and lifestyle. You have choices for those. You choose what to put in your body, on your body, and what you want to do with your life.
Speaker 1:But there are also a lot of things that you can't control. You can't control the sperm and the egg actually meeting up. To a certain extent you can, but you did all that you could and you had intercourse when you were supposed to, so that's all that mattered. The rest, there's very little that you need to worry about. You can't take back the sperm and you can't take back the egg, so just let it be. But maybe the things that you could have controlled you didn't. So that brings me to the last step, and that's to come up with your new plan and make one thing a priority for the next month.
Speaker 1:Part of that feeling of not having control is trying to do too many things at once. So take an inventory of what you could have done but didn't do and make that a priority this month. That is the last step. Maybe you slacked on the self-care that typically helps you with stress management. Maybe you slacked on the 80-care that typically helps you with stress management. Maybe you slacked on the 80-20 principle on diet, whatever it is and this step is not to add more stress, because I don't want you to then feel bad about yourself during this process the point is to figure out where you need improvement and then move on. Maybe it's really working on nutrition, but maybe just one part of it Eating more calories, more fat. Maybe it's working on your mindset, but maybe just one part of it Eating more calories, more fat. Maybe it's working on your mindset, making it a priority to meditate every day. Maybe it's working on your lifestyle Say no to parties on weekends, remember. Just pick one thing to work on. Take small actions, because many small actions equal big results.
Speaker 1:Rome wasn't built in a day, and if you have no idea where to start and what to work on, you can reach out to me. You can join my program when it launches. We can do a one-on-one. My method isn't for everyone, but if you want a different approach to getting pregnant that involves using highly personalized medical system, then I'm your girl. So if you need help, medical system, then I'm your girl. So if you need help, I'm here for you.
Speaker 1:All right, friends, before we wrap up, I want to make sure that you know that the steps in this framework do not need to be completed in one day. You might spend a few days on each step, or a few hours. It's whatever amount of time you need to feel like you're ready to move on to the next step. As with anything, the more you practice it, the quicker it'll become second nature to you. So, to recap, when your heart sinks after the big fat negative, here are the five steps to help you rise above the negative emotions and take action.
Speaker 1:Step one is to fully embrace your emotion. Don't fight it. Let it all out and then let it all go after a certain set amount of time. Otherwise you're going to keep spiraling. Step two is to acknowledge all the progress you've made. Don't skip the step, because otherwise you're going to feel like nothing is working when something is working. Otherwise, you're going to feel like nothing is working when something is working.
Speaker 1:Step three is to stop the comparisons to others and walk your own path. Step four is to focus on what you can control and let go of what you couldn't control, and then step five is to pick one thing to focus on in the upcoming month. All right, fertile friend, that's all I have for today. If you feel like you're learning a lot and you like what I have to say, please don't forget to leave me a five-star review. I appreciate this in advance because it's going to help others find this podcast and help me help more people. Thanks again for tuning in. Until next time, take care of yourself and your amazing body. You are one fertile cycle away from getting pregnant.